Papa don't preach

Sunday: I call my father, just because it had been a while since we talked. He informs me that he went to the hospital the previous Tuesday, after having his 9th heart attack. My father is 48 years old. While in the hospital, the docs found a tumor around his esophagus. The same cancer, in the same place, that HIS father died from. So, they were to operated on Monday, Mar. 17. He took down Charles's phone number, and both of mine, to insure that the docs could get ahold of me after the operation. Sunday night, we were on the phone for over an hour; he was trying to prepare me for his death...I really think he was trying to prepare himself. He kept yelling at me, telling me I needed to think about it, I needed to let go of him. He talked about funeral arrangements, final wishes, things of that nature. He told me some secrets.

I could hear him smoking while we spoke -_-

Monday: I never heard from the hospital. I wasn't sure what hospital my dad was at, nor did I know who (if anyone) was taking care of him post-op (he lives alone). I called all the hospitals I could find in the Portland area, and couldn't find him. I was worried, to say the least. I called his cell phone a couple times, but it wasn't on.

(Interject that I also broke my front tooth in half on Monday. Ouch.)

Tuesday: I spent several hours on the phone trying to find my father, and trying to get my dental coverage worked out (there was a hiccup two months ago, that I was not aware of). I called my dad's cell, and it was on, but I got (and left) voice mail. I had to work that day, and I got a lotta crap for my broken tooth, but w/e, I don't really care. I didn't get home from work until about 10pm, and I fell right asleep, and slept for what felt like YEARS. Technically, it was more like 10-12 hours, but it has been so long since I have actually slept through the night....

Wednesday: Spent 5 hours on the phone with DEERS and dental company. Got everything smoothed out by 5pm...but at that point, it was too late to make an actual dental appointment. Was trying to work on a couple swaps that I am waaaaay behind on (I'm so sorry -_-). Charles needed me to come down to his office, though, to sign some papers for the bank, so he could fax them up before they closed. Okay, fine, but I hafta be home sooooon, so I can shower and get ready for work!

Got home about an hour before I was supposed to be at work, and my dad calls. He's not doing well at all. He is tired, he's sick of always being in pain, and he feels like no one cares about him. He wants to die. He was crying and yelling the whole time I was on the phone, begging me to let him kill himself, yelling at me for wanting him to stick around. I asked him who was gonna teach my kids to fish (it's been a big deal to him since they were born, and they are finally old enough to do it now)...he actually said, "I don't care." This is so unlike ehim. I keep trying to tell him that he's GOING to be in a lot of pain, he just had surgery, but, I know that's not the case. He is losing his feet, and his sight, to the Marfan's Syndrome (which I also have, and it's starting to get really scary). His heart is failing. He basically sits around, wondering if today will be the day he dies, and he's just done with it.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe my brother is not up there with him! My bro lives 2 hours away from our dying father, and doesn't seem to care. He lost his job, AGAIN, because of the disabilities, altho GE is paying his disability until he is 65. His health insurance ends in April, though, at which point, he will become a ward of the state. he says he has tried to get social security, but they denied him (WTF?? 48yr old man can't walk or see??). He won't be able to afford his apt, and, imho, he prolly shouldn't be living alone, anyway. Charles and I are in no financial position to take him in (hell, I can't even afford to mail out these late swaps at this point =X).

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I called him when I got home from work last night (at about 10:45pm), but his phone was turned off. I left voice mail, he hasn't called back....I hope he is okay =[

I was proud of myself for not crying while I was talking (more listening, actually) to him last night. I BAWLED as soon as I hung up the phone, though. I don't know if I can do this; I want to, but I don't know if I can be his only support. I don't know HOW. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should just let him go, or if I should be his strength, and convince him to fight. I know he's always in pain, and he can't do the things that he really loves. I don't know what I would do in his position.

I can barely think lately. I feel like I am drowning. i feel sooo busy all the time, but I can't actually focus on anything.

I just want to breathe -_-