My hcg was 1999 on Monday, only 2600 on Wednesday; it is supposed to at least double every 48 hours in a viable pregnancy. Not sure if I will try to conceive again; hubby ships off for several months on Feb 5th. If I am not pregnant within the next like, 6 weeks, he will miss the birth. Or I suppose I could just wait to start trying again until the end of the year, and be pregnant while he is gone, but so far, it takes us one year to conceive anyway, so should I even bother waiting? Could I really handle going through this again, possibly alone?
Idk. I had two perfectly healthy, easy pregnancies. Easy to conceive, easy to carry, healthy babies. Now it's just loss after loss after loss. Am I just not supposed to have anymore babies? Is it possible that the drs screwed something up during my cesarean with my last baby? Can't I please just have ONE child with my husband?? This is our 5th loss in the short 3 years we've been trying.
How do I tell my kids AGAIN that yet another baby is not going to be coming home?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Had my first ultrasound today.
We found a gestational sac, measuring 4w4d on the u/s. I started puking right there on the table...puking during trans-vag ultrasound is NOT fun! I was so sure that that empty black spot on the screen was where my baby should be.
My first hcg quants are 1999 (hubby says: "I guess we should party?"), but I have to wait another couple hours to find out if they doubled (had blood drawn this morning). Hcg is the "pregnancy hormone" that pee-on-a-stick tests are detecting. The amount of hcg is supposed to double about every 48hrs.
All in all, the dr says that I am pg, but that I am only 4wk4d pg, not 6wk3d, as we had previously calculated. My cycles are 31 days long, my LMP was Jan 25th. Although, I am looking back at my chart, and I had a neg preg test on Feb 22 that I had forgotten about! Feb 22 was 17 days ago, which means that I am most likely only about 4wks pg, I think; what do you think? Here is my chart. Am I just getting my hopes up? Am I just seeing what I want to see?
On to the other stuff: my dr is SO terrified of my Marfan's, that I really think she is "building me up" to abort! She says that Marfan's patients have a risk of heart RUPTURE, because of increased blood volume during pg. She actually said, "Well, you shouldn't bee too concerned, at least you already have two healthy children...knock on wood." Arg. Okay, I actually do like this dr, so I'll try not to make her look like a tool. Anyway, Marfan's can cause enlarged aortas, and enlargement of the heart itself, which can lead to rupture. *I* do not have these conditions. *I* can run, I chase my kids all over the beach, I ride my bike with them! I don't go rockclimbing anymore, but I can still go hiking in the mountains, and I can still swim a mile in a lake with a current!
So, she's ordered a bunch of genetic tests, a full thrombophilia work up. She has also demanded that I see an internal medicine dr, to get in to see a cardiologist, because *IF* this pg continues, she wants me on constant heart monitoring. She expects that I have some blood/clotting disorder, and is already planning on putting me on Heparin & baby aspirin. She says that I will need the blood thinners for my entire pg, and at least 6wks after birth. Oddly enough, my non-pg related drs have always told me to stay away from things that thinned my blood (alcohol *snort*). They were afraid that it would cause my superficial clots to move around.
I had been concerned about the progesterone that my previous dr prescribed for me. She says that they do not bother testing prog levels, because they vary so greatly from individual to individual, that there is no "standard" or "normal". She says that half the studies show that it can help, whereas half show that it has no effect. So, I am paying hundreds of dollars a month "just in case". Okay. Whatever, I got a fat tax return. But the box also warns about horrible birth defects if it is used in the 1T. Dr says that she has never heard of that before, and not to worry about it ~.^
The dr also mentioned that my hcg quants were low, but still higher than what the u/s showed (??), and that depending on my quants today, and again on Friday, she wants me in for another u/s soon. She suspects that I could have another pregnancy, ectopic, which may be throwing off my numbers O_O !!??@&%#^$* Great. I manage to make TWO babies, and don't get to keep either of them? This just isn't fair -_-
I'm so exhausted right now, I can barely keep my eyes open. I was supposed to get the blood drawn for the genetic tests today, but the dr wrote them in a really funky way, and some of the tests the lab isn't sure what she is talking about, and the dr wrote a fasting test, but then told me to go get it done immediately, so they are having to work all that out. I go in tomorrow morning for the blood draw, and again Friday morning for another hcg quants.
I think I need a nap. But first, here is the list of tests the dr ordered for me. Some are really hard to read, so I might be spelling them wrong:
Factor V Leiden mutation
Prothrombin G20210 A mutation
Anticardiolipin IgG
Prothrombin aPTT
Homocysteine fasting (this is the reason I couldn't get the tests done today-the dr said nothing about fasting!)
VAT III antigene activity lvl
Pro C antigene activity lvl
Pro S antigene activity lvl (my awesome lab guy told me that these "Pro"s mean "Protein", but my dr abbrev. it wrong, should be"Prot")
Google says "antigene" is "antigen"; I'm assuming the difference is that my dr is foreign (from Iran, studied in France, then got her U.S. licensing in N.Y.)
Ooookay, nap, then I will research what all these tests mean, and look for u/s pics of gestational sacs! From what I can see so far, these tests just mean I'll need blood thinners for a long time.
My first hcg quants are 1999 (hubby says: "I guess we should party?"), but I have to wait another couple hours to find out if they doubled (had blood drawn this morning). Hcg is the "pregnancy hormone" that pee-on-a-stick tests are detecting. The amount of hcg is supposed to double about every 48hrs.
All in all, the dr says that I am pg, but that I am only 4wk4d pg, not 6wk3d, as we had previously calculated. My cycles are 31 days long, my LMP was Jan 25th. Although, I am looking back at my chart, and I had a neg preg test on Feb 22 that I had forgotten about! Feb 22 was 17 days ago, which means that I am most likely only about 4wks pg, I think; what do you think? Here is my chart. Am I just getting my hopes up? Am I just seeing what I want to see?
On to the other stuff: my dr is SO terrified of my Marfan's, that I really think she is "building me up" to abort! She says that Marfan's patients have a risk of heart RUPTURE, because of increased blood volume during pg. She actually said, "Well, you shouldn't bee too concerned, at least you already have two healthy children...knock on wood." Arg. Okay, I actually do like this dr, so I'll try not to make her look like a tool. Anyway, Marfan's can cause enlarged aortas, and enlargement of the heart itself, which can lead to rupture. *I* do not have these conditions. *I* can run, I chase my kids all over the beach, I ride my bike with them! I don't go rockclimbing anymore, but I can still go hiking in the mountains, and I can still swim a mile in a lake with a current!
So, she's ordered a bunch of genetic tests, a full thrombophilia work up. She has also demanded that I see an internal medicine dr, to get in to see a cardiologist, because *IF* this pg continues, she wants me on constant heart monitoring. She expects that I have some blood/clotting disorder, and is already planning on putting me on Heparin & baby aspirin. She says that I will need the blood thinners for my entire pg, and at least 6wks after birth. Oddly enough, my non-pg related drs have always told me to stay away from things that thinned my blood (alcohol *snort*). They were afraid that it would cause my superficial clots to move around.
I had been concerned about the progesterone that my previous dr prescribed for me. She says that they do not bother testing prog levels, because they vary so greatly from individual to individual, that there is no "standard" or "normal". She says that half the studies show that it can help, whereas half show that it has no effect. So, I am paying hundreds of dollars a month "just in case". Okay. Whatever, I got a fat tax return. But the box also warns about horrible birth defects if it is used in the 1T. Dr says that she has never heard of that before, and not to worry about it ~.^
The dr also mentioned that my hcg quants were low, but still higher than what the u/s showed (??), and that depending on my quants today, and again on Friday, she wants me in for another u/s soon. She suspects that I could have another pregnancy, ectopic, which may be throwing off my numbers O_O !!??@&%#^$* Great. I manage to make TWO babies, and don't get to keep either of them? This just isn't fair -_-
I'm so exhausted right now, I can barely keep my eyes open. I was supposed to get the blood drawn for the genetic tests today, but the dr wrote them in a really funky way, and some of the tests the lab isn't sure what she is talking about, and the dr wrote a fasting test, but then told me to go get it done immediately, so they are having to work all that out. I go in tomorrow morning for the blood draw, and again Friday morning for another hcg quants.
I think I need a nap. But first, here is the list of tests the dr ordered for me. Some are really hard to read, so I might be spelling them wrong:
Factor V Leiden mutation
Prothrombin G20210 A mutation
Anticardiolipin IgG
Prothrombin aPTT
Homocysteine fasting (this is the reason I couldn't get the tests done today-the dr said nothing about fasting!)
VAT III antigene activity lvl
Pro C antigene activity lvl
Pro S antigene activity lvl (my awesome lab guy told me that these "Pro"s mean "Protein", but my dr abbrev. it wrong, should be"Prot")
Google says "antigene" is "antigen"; I'm assuming the difference is that my dr is foreign (from Iran, studied in France, then got her U.S. licensing in N.Y.)
Ooookay, nap, then I will research what all these tests mean, and look for u/s pics of gestational sacs! From what I can see so far, these tests just mean I'll need blood thinners for a long time.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Savage selvages!
I am *dying* to make some of these:
*Photo belongs to Quilts by Elena. Check her out, great stuff!*
My husband pointed out to me recently how much I love to make pincushions.I had never noticed before. I guess they are just quick, instant-gratification things. I get really bad anxiety attacks if I am not being productive in some way (makes it hard for me to sleep at night!), so pincushions fill a lot of gaps in my life where I don't have a lot of time, a lot of motivation, or am suffering a creativity block. Oddly enough, I have never thought to photo and share many of them. I guess they really are just "filler" items in my life *shrug*
So, back to these lovely selvage pincushions, there are two things keeping me from jumping on the project right now. Firstly, would I sew each selvage together, or use fusible web to stick them all together? If I used fusible, would that be okay for my pins to be poking through over and over? And, secondly, I don't have many selvages! I use felt, and knits, and fleece...I have a couple boxes full of fat quarters but I haven't found many selvages in them =[
Hopefully I will win the awesome selvage giveaway over at Moda Lissa! Seriously, you have GOT to get over there and see the rad selvage ball that she made - it just makes me smile =D
*Photo belongs to Quilts by Elena. Check her out, great stuff!*
My husband pointed out to me recently how much I love to make pincushions.I had never noticed before. I guess they are just quick, instant-gratification things. I get really bad anxiety attacks if I am not being productive in some way (makes it hard for me to sleep at night!), so pincushions fill a lot of gaps in my life where I don't have a lot of time, a lot of motivation, or am suffering a creativity block. Oddly enough, I have never thought to photo and share many of them. I guess they really are just "filler" items in my life *shrug*
So, back to these lovely selvage pincushions, there are two things keeping me from jumping on the project right now. Firstly, would I sew each selvage together, or use fusible web to stick them all together? If I used fusible, would that be okay for my pins to be poking through over and over? And, secondly, I don't have many selvages! I use felt, and knits, and fleece...I have a couple boxes full of fat quarters but I haven't found many selvages in them =[
Hopefully I will win the awesome selvage giveaway over at Moda Lissa! Seriously, you have GOT to get over there and see the rad selvage ball that she made - it just makes me smile =D
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
I just can't help myself!
More baby stuff:
Free pattern for Noodle Baby Hat from Haakpoes
Free pattern for Grandma's easy 10-step Booties on Ravelry
Yarns are: Red Heart Soft Yarn in white, and Crystal Palace Cotton Chenille in Fruit Salad.
Another Noodle hat - I just love these things! I didn't put the cuff ont his one, although I am thinking I will. I don't really want to, because the cuff is really boring and long to make, lol...but the hat feels like it is missisng something =X
The booties are SO simple, and very cute, I think =] They really take about 30-45mins to make the pair. They are worked flat, and come out looking kinda upsidedown-"T"-shaped, then it's stitched up. Simple! I'm not sure I am going to leave the variegated cord in there; I have ribbon that looks just like that yarn, but would probably be easier to tie/untie.
I added the picot edge to the top of the booties: After completing final row, turn. *Sl st in nxt st, ch1, sl st in same st* across. That's def my favorite picot edge, I tend to use it a lot (like on my mushrooms in the last post).
I spent all day yesterday cleaning. I mean, ALL DAY. I didn't do anything else but clean! lol It was nice, though I still haven't tackled my bedroom (yikes). We need to have someone come in and take a look at our wiring; both bedrooms only have one working outlet now =X Very inconvenient! But I suppose I should make sure that the electrician can actually WALK through the rooms before I call, eh? ;)
Free pattern for Noodle Baby Hat from Haakpoes
Free pattern for Grandma's easy 10-step Booties on Ravelry
Yarns are: Red Heart Soft Yarn in white, and Crystal Palace Cotton Chenille in Fruit Salad.
Another Noodle hat - I just love these things! I didn't put the cuff ont his one, although I am thinking I will. I don't really want to, because the cuff is really boring and long to make, lol...but the hat feels like it is missisng something =X
The booties are SO simple, and very cute, I think =] They really take about 30-45mins to make the pair. They are worked flat, and come out looking kinda upsidedown-"T"-shaped, then it's stitched up. Simple! I'm not sure I am going to leave the variegated cord in there; I have ribbon that looks just like that yarn, but would probably be easier to tie/untie.
I added the picot edge to the top of the booties: After completing final row, turn. *Sl st in nxt st, ch1, sl st in same st* across. That's def my favorite picot edge, I tend to use it a lot (like on my mushrooms in the last post).
I spent all day yesterday cleaning. I mean, ALL DAY. I didn't do anything else but clean! lol It was nice, though I still haven't tackled my bedroom (yikes). We need to have someone come in and take a look at our wiring; both bedrooms only have one working outlet now =X Very inconvenient! But I suppose I should make sure that the electrician can actually WALK through the rooms before I call, eh? ;)
Monday, March 02, 2009
Baby, it's cold, I mean hot, I mean cold, I mean....
Wow. I'm like, pregnant. FOR REAL. Puking, peeing, craving, sleeping, demanding, pregnant. Quitting smoking has been surprisingly easy - the smell makes me barf. Unfortunately...wait, I mean UNFORTUNATELY, coffee makes me barf, too! as do eggs, asparagus, and most dairy =[ I'm craving chicken like WOAH - not just any chicken, but Shake -n-Bake chicken. I bought a giant box of it, and have been eating probably 2-3lbs of Shake-n-Bake chicken a day. The last time I had Shank-n-Bake, my mother made it for me. And my mother had stopped cooking by the time I was in jr. high, so it was a looooong time ago!
Oh, for the record, my due date is November 1, but since I will be having a scheduled c-section, this baby will most like be born on Oct 26. I think that is great! I'll be fat when it's warm out- (my mom has always warned be that this is NOT a good thing, but...)-that means that I can get away with shorts and capris, instead of the $70 extra tall maternity pants! Seriously, with my two kids, I spent more on two pairs of maternity pants than I did on their carseats & layettes!
Okay, I'm done being pregnant for now. On to the crafty stuff!
I finished the doodle scarf I had been working on - it only took me a couple days =] Using a heavy worsted wool, I chained until it was ~about~ 6ft long ("Charlie, can you stand up, please?" *measuring chain vs. his height* "Okay,thanks".), and then made loops of chains, fastening each back into it's beginning with a slip stitch. I worked single crochet up the chain, between the loops. I had originally planned to go up one side, then back down the other but I got about halfway back down the 2nd side, and I didn't like it. So I stuck with the one side =] I have already gotten several complements on it and it is surprisingly warm, for how small it is!
Next up, these sweet little mushrooms that I spent WEEKS perfecting the pattern for! (that will be available soon, right here - I just need the weather to cooperate for some pics!). These were made for some swaps: 5 went to KnitSonya, for her Handmade Mushroom Swap; the red one went to Sonya, herself; there are two more, with green sequin spots instead of the white felt spots, and those are going to two different Swapbot swaps.
And, finally, I whipped out this little baby cap yesterday. The cap went really quickly, took less than an hour, but the cuff seemed like it took forever, heh. I just worked on it a bit here and there; while drinking chai, and eating the most perfect raspberry chocolate mousse at Kelly's Bakery (seriously, it was the size of a votive candle, but it was perfect!); worked on it a lot while Charles was taking a cigarette break-he's really sweet, and sits pretty far away from me when he smokes now, but I like to sit out there with him, and chit chat =] I also worked on the brim a lot while Charles was cleaning and sterilising the kitchen to bottle our most recent batch of mead (his brewing blog will be updated this evening). Oh,a nd yes, I did taste a sip of the mead! We bottled the cranberry apple, and it was a lot more dry than we expected, and also a lot more apple than cranberry. Has a weird flavor to it, I think it needs to age for a few months, but Charles drank half a bottle of it last night!
Oh yeah, the hat! The pattern is the Noodle Baby Hat on Ravelry, by Deirdre Fabery.
Oh, and here is an "in progress" picture of the Swirls Cap that I am working on for me! I totally <3 fpdc =]
So...yeah, a lot of yarning going on! I actually have several ATCs that I've yet to post, too, but I need to go work on getting the rest of my Lottsa ATCs for Swapbot!
Crap, see how braindead I am?? I keep forgetting that I have more to say ;) My husband is giving me my progesterone injections every night (100mg), and doing a very good job of it =] Progesterone is the same hormone that is responsible for PMS symptoms, so I'm just not even trying to be "normal" anymore, lol. Anyway, I wanted to publicly dote on my amazing husband, who although pretty apathetic about having a child of his own, has been incredibly supportive, and just all around sweet. I have been getting breakfast in bed, flowers, and VIP treatment since I broke the news to him =] I'm not sure if he is just hiding excitement/joy, or if he is trying extra careful to make sure that the baby and I am okay, because he was so torn up seeing ME so torn up last year.
Either way, I'm enjoying it =]
Oh, for the record, my due date is November 1, but since I will be having a scheduled c-section, this baby will most like be born on Oct 26. I think that is great! I'll be fat when it's warm out- (my mom has always warned be that this is NOT a good thing, but...)-that means that I can get away with shorts and capris, instead of the $70 extra tall maternity pants! Seriously, with my two kids, I spent more on two pairs of maternity pants than I did on their carseats & layettes!
Okay, I'm done being pregnant for now. On to the crafty stuff!
I finished the doodle scarf I had been working on - it only took me a couple days =] Using a heavy worsted wool, I chained until it was ~about~ 6ft long ("Charlie, can you stand up, please?" *measuring chain vs. his height* "Okay,thanks".), and then made loops of chains, fastening each back into it's beginning with a slip stitch. I worked single crochet up the chain, between the loops. I had originally planned to go up one side, then back down the other but I got about halfway back down the 2nd side, and I didn't like it. So I stuck with the one side =] I have already gotten several complements on it and it is surprisingly warm, for how small it is!
Next up, these sweet little mushrooms that I spent WEEKS perfecting the pattern for! (that will be available soon, right here - I just need the weather to cooperate for some pics!). These were made for some swaps: 5 went to KnitSonya, for her Handmade Mushroom Swap; the red one went to Sonya, herself; there are two more, with green sequin spots instead of the white felt spots, and those are going to two different Swapbot swaps.
And, finally, I whipped out this little baby cap yesterday. The cap went really quickly, took less than an hour, but the cuff seemed like it took forever, heh. I just worked on it a bit here and there; while drinking chai, and eating the most perfect raspberry chocolate mousse at Kelly's Bakery (seriously, it was the size of a votive candle, but it was perfect!); worked on it a lot while Charles was taking a cigarette break-he's really sweet, and sits pretty far away from me when he smokes now, but I like to sit out there with him, and chit chat =] I also worked on the brim a lot while Charles was cleaning and sterilising the kitchen to bottle our most recent batch of mead (his brewing blog will be updated this evening). Oh,a nd yes, I did taste a sip of the mead! We bottled the cranberry apple, and it was a lot more dry than we expected, and also a lot more apple than cranberry. Has a weird flavor to it, I think it needs to age for a few months, but Charles drank half a bottle of it last night!
Oh yeah, the hat! The pattern is the Noodle Baby Hat on Ravelry, by Deirdre Fabery.
Oh, and here is an "in progress" picture of the Swirls Cap that I am working on for me! I totally <3 fpdc =]
So...yeah, a lot of yarning going on! I actually have several ATCs that I've yet to post, too, but I need to go work on getting the rest of my Lottsa ATCs for Swapbot!
Crap, see how braindead I am?? I keep forgetting that I have more to say ;) My husband is giving me my progesterone injections every night (100mg), and doing a very good job of it =] Progesterone is the same hormone that is responsible for PMS symptoms, so I'm just not even trying to be "normal" anymore, lol. Anyway, I wanted to publicly dote on my amazing husband, who although pretty apathetic about having a child of his own, has been incredibly supportive, and just all around sweet. I have been getting breakfast in bed, flowers, and VIP treatment since I broke the news to him =] I'm not sure if he is just hiding excitement/joy, or if he is trying extra careful to make sure that the baby and I am okay, because he was so torn up seeing ME so torn up last year.
Either way, I'm enjoying it =]
Friday, February 27, 2009
How could I forget?!
HOw could I have forgotten about this picture?! This is by far one of my favorite pictures EVER. In EXISTENCE. It's AWESOME!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I'm only missing the yellow slicker and umbrella
Ever wake up and think, "How the heck do I do it?" Not in the "I'm so cool, I rock my socks off," kinda way, either.
I'm at the kids' school every single day of the week now, volunteering, teaching art, etc. I love to do it, but lately, I am feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps by the 3270785298475 other things I have going on. But, I have made a commitment, so I need to be there; it's not like there are many people that are waiting in line to work for free nowadays, yanno?
My brother is having a rough time in his life right now, and for his privacy,, I wont go into any of that here. I'll just say that it is a life-changing, incredibly tragic, and difficult situation. I have been trying to be supportive, and helpful in every way I can, but I really wish I could BE there, like up there where he lives. Sometimes, i just wanna give him a hug; sometimes, I want to help him with everyday-gotta-be-done things that are really tough to get done when you are as stressed out as he is. I just wish I could do MORE, I guess.
My father's health is deteriorating quickly, and he really needs someone to live in, and take care of him. I don't have the room for it here, and I'm not sure that I have the time, with all the volunteering that I've got going on. But I don't know anyone else that will step up, and I feel like I am in a position where I need to choose between my dad and my kids? SO frustrating!
Next, my friend is being screwed over by another friend since they broke up and now Friend 1(the girl) is threatening to (or has already, I haven't heard from her today) take all of Friend 2's(the guy) indiscretions up to his chain of command. Possible consequences range from considerable demotion, to military prison time. I am torn, though. Everything she is saying to the boss-guys is TRUE. So, should I keep my mouth shut, and let them deal with their own issues? Should I warn him? I see this guy several times a week, I'm not even sure I can look at him anymore, knowing what is coming to him...but on the other hand, he made his own decisions, knowing the consequences. And then, should I tell my husband, who is friends and has to WORK with this guy every day? That would put him in a rough position, but I feel TERRIBLE keeping things from my husband, and I fear he may be upset when all this shit hits the fan, and he finds out that I knew it was coming, and didn't talk to him about it...UGH!
My children are getting injured on an almost-daily basis by a bully at school now. This kid has been bothering them for a while, and tells Isaac every day that he is going to kill him...but I don't see anything being done about it. No, but they want ISAAC to go to a special counsellor, and they want to have these meetings about how he doesn't seem to be able to interact well with the other children. Isaac gets angry and yells. This other kid gets angry, and HITS...or throws things, or kicks, etc. The kids KICKS ME. I said something to the boy recently, when he would not leave my kids alone, was pushing them down, and saying very hurtful things to them. I told him that he needed to leave my kids alone, and that it was unacceptable behavior. The next week, got a message (through my son's teacher) that his mother was upset that I spoke to her child, and that I am not allowed to do that anymore, that I am only to bring my problems to HER. That would have been fine, but I did not see ANY parents with this kid. I have met his mom ONCE, and probably wouldn't recognize her! I'm just sick of this kid picking on mine, especially since he HURLED my 1st grade daughter so hard that when she hit the ground, her shoe flew off, 15ft away, on the other side of an 8ft fence! Oh, she's okay, she has a lumpy bruise, and barely-there scratches on her leg, but WTF?? He got a "talking to", and then proceeded to kick me after school (because I got him in trouble @@), and chase my daughter around telling her "I'm glad I hurt you! I will do it again as soon as they aren't looking!" OMG, it makes me SO angry!
So, yes, when it rains it pours. I'm hanging in there, I suppose, but I think to myself every morning, "How do I do it?"
It is never-ending, I fear:
Found out this morning that I am pregnant. Again. My annual positive pregnancy test has me in knots, and because of my history (I miscarry every year), I am having a hard time even considering this a viable pregnancy. I start getting my injections today, and will likely be getting all sorts of bi-weekly blood tests, etc. It's taking all my willpower not to smoke, but to be perfectly honest, the majority of me is screaming
I'm at the kids' school every single day of the week now, volunteering, teaching art, etc. I love to do it, but lately, I am feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps by the 3270785298475 other things I have going on. But, I have made a commitment, so I need to be there; it's not like there are many people that are waiting in line to work for free nowadays, yanno?
My brother is having a rough time in his life right now, and for his privacy,, I wont go into any of that here. I'll just say that it is a life-changing, incredibly tragic, and difficult situation. I have been trying to be supportive, and helpful in every way I can, but I really wish I could BE there, like up there where he lives. Sometimes, i just wanna give him a hug; sometimes, I want to help him with everyday-gotta-be-done things that are really tough to get done when you are as stressed out as he is. I just wish I could do MORE, I guess.
My father's health is deteriorating quickly, and he really needs someone to live in, and take care of him. I don't have the room for it here, and I'm not sure that I have the time, with all the volunteering that I've got going on. But I don't know anyone else that will step up, and I feel like I am in a position where I need to choose between my dad and my kids? SO frustrating!
Next, my friend is being screwed over by another friend since they broke up and now Friend 1(the girl) is threatening to (or has already, I haven't heard from her today) take all of Friend 2's(the guy) indiscretions up to his chain of command. Possible consequences range from considerable demotion, to military prison time. I am torn, though. Everything she is saying to the boss-guys is TRUE. So, should I keep my mouth shut, and let them deal with their own issues? Should I warn him? I see this guy several times a week, I'm not even sure I can look at him anymore, knowing what is coming to him...but on the other hand, he made his own decisions, knowing the consequences. And then, should I tell my husband, who is friends and has to WORK with this guy every day? That would put him in a rough position, but I feel TERRIBLE keeping things from my husband, and I fear he may be upset when all this shit hits the fan, and he finds out that I knew it was coming, and didn't talk to him about it...UGH!
My children are getting injured on an almost-daily basis by a bully at school now. This kid has been bothering them for a while, and tells Isaac every day that he is going to kill him...but I don't see anything being done about it. No, but they want ISAAC to go to a special counsellor, and they want to have these meetings about how he doesn't seem to be able to interact well with the other children. Isaac gets angry and yells. This other kid gets angry, and HITS...or throws things, or kicks, etc. The kids KICKS ME. I said something to the boy recently, when he would not leave my kids alone, was pushing them down, and saying very hurtful things to them. I told him that he needed to leave my kids alone, and that it was unacceptable behavior. The next week, got a message (through my son's teacher) that his mother was upset that I spoke to her child, and that I am not allowed to do that anymore, that I am only to bring my problems to HER. That would have been fine, but I did not see ANY parents with this kid. I have met his mom ONCE, and probably wouldn't recognize her! I'm just sick of this kid picking on mine, especially since he HURLED my 1st grade daughter so hard that when she hit the ground, her shoe flew off, 15ft away, on the other side of an 8ft fence! Oh, she's okay, she has a lumpy bruise, and barely-there scratches on her leg, but WTF?? He got a "talking to", and then proceeded to kick me after school (because I got him in trouble @@), and chase my daughter around telling her "I'm glad I hurt you! I will do it again as soon as they aren't looking!" OMG, it makes me SO angry!
So, yes, when it rains it pours. I'm hanging in there, I suppose, but I think to myself every morning, "How do I do it?"
It is never-ending, I fear:
Found out this morning that I am pregnant. Again. My annual positive pregnancy test has me in knots, and because of my history (I miscarry every year), I am having a hard time even considering this a viable pregnancy. I start getting my injections today, and will likely be getting all sorts of bi-weekly blood tests, etc. It's taking all my willpower not to smoke, but to be perfectly honest, the majority of me is screaming
SCREW THIS, I'M TAKING MY BALL, AND GOING HOME!
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