Tuesday, October 04, 2011

How to achieve Awesomeness at age 30

How to achieve Awesomeness at age 30
Why I Will Never be a Grownup
Birth Control

*This post is being written at 12:56am. While bleaching my teeth. This story is an entirely True Story (okay, I might've guessed at some of the time spans, lol), and an honest representation of an average day in my life right now.*
  • Two important notes before I begin this step-by-step method I use to achieve Awesomeness: first, never get your hair cut or coloured more than 4 times a year. Second, you are only allowed up to FIVE (5) non-Walmart or Target Awesomeness Implements (mine are Mac eye liner and shadows, and Sephora makeup brushes & brush cleaner).
  • Awesomeness is not easy. It takes hard work, and a lot of sacrifice (only a little blood & tears, fortunately!). This is gonna take a while. You may wanna go grab a Redbull (with or without vodka is up to you).
Ready? Awesome.

  1. Carefully pin/clip/rubberband all your hair back. Wet & soap up your face.
  2. Unclog random toy/mud/paper mache from sink drain with your soapy eyes closed, because you didn't notice it until the water started spilling out onto your feet.
  3. Rinse face.
  4. Wander around the house looking for the clean towel you were sure you put in the cabinet the night before. Don't forget to drip icy water down your neck and into your bra. Change into dry socks, but not before considering drying your face and boobs with them.
  5. Pat your face dry. The habits of 15min a day tanning beds, forgetting your sunglasses, and smoking are one thing, but don't you dare damage your skin by RUBBING it!
  6. On second thought, air dry. You could probably use a cigarette at this point.
  7. Smear some Awesome fountain-of-youth-promise on your face in the form of an overly neon muddy face mask.
  8. Go feed the minions. They will never agree to eat the same thing, so make oatmeal (or macaroni), then wash the pot again, and make grits (or ramen). Spend at least 5mins stirring ice cubes one by one into food until it is deemed "cool enough to eat" (why the hell did I even cook it?!).
  9. Remember to feed 4-legged tail-wagging minions. Get knocked into the dirt. Go ahead and do that again, for good measure.
  10. Feed 4-legged purring minions. Step in a puddle on the kitchen floor (melted ice cube, no doubt). Remove one sock.
  11. Upon hearing the doorbell, promptly forget that you are wearing one sock and a wet tanktop. Remember just as you open the door and are greeted by super-cute UPS guy. Let it slide, you're Awesomeness cannot be twarted by a sock (and what guy is really gonna hate being greeted by a wet tanktop, right?). Chit chat. The weather has been Awesome lately. Sign for HUGE brown box (OMG SOMEONE SENT ME A VOLKSWAGEN - YAYSQUEAL!).
  12. Awkwardly try to wrestle Big Brown Box into the front door. Chase after Big Brown Truck (don't forget to repeatedly yell, "HELP! WAIT! PLEASE HELP!") when you realize Obnoxiously Oversized Brown Box is addressed to the person that lived in your house over a year ago.
  13. DO NOT catch Big Brown Truck.
  14. Walk home (in one sock). Suck up your pride, and politely greet all of your neighbors that have come out to the cries for help. It really is a nice neighborhood.
  15. Dig around for a bandaid to put on a scratch Minion #2 received whilst capturing a 4-legged purring minion that had bolted out the door after you. Kiss it better, and give a dramatic "YAY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!" smile.
  16. Feel the bastard neon green mask on your face crack.
  17. Wash off the mask (do you know where your towel is?). Burn 175 calories concentrating really hard on forgetting the gorgeous bronzed blue-eyed hottie in brown shorts that you chased down the block. Screw the neighbors; they probably weren't even surprised at this point (and none of them actually ASKED if you needed help *hrmph*).
  18. Find astringent. Do not find cotton balls (aside - victory fistpump for figuring out what was clogging the drain). Settle for toilet paper. Reset pH balance of your face with astringent. Spend at least 3min picking TP lint off your face.
  19. Slather on tinted moisturizer. Your kind of Awesomeness is a Two-Birds kind of Awesomeness.
  20. Fluff bronzer all over your face. Realize that your face is now much darker than the rest of you (WTF - TANNING BED NOOB).
  21. Fluff bronzer over neck, shoulders, and cleavage.
  22. Very carefully try not to be too careful applying blush. Yay, victory!
  23. Do a little victory dance, but stop immediately upon seeing a faint jiggle in your anti-bicep area. Shit. (say it, don't do it. Unless you really have to.)
  24. Notice that all your powdered bronzer and blush has settled into your pores and wrinkles. Wash it off. Start over at tinted moisturizer step. Be more conservative with the powder.
  25. Don't give a crap that your neck, shoulders, and boobs are darker than your face now.
  26. Answer ringing phone. Try to explain to Minion #1's principal that poking Other Kid in the leg with the eraser-end of his pencil to get Other Kid's attention is NOT the same as "stabbing a peer with a dangerous pointed object". Hang up. Inform Minion #1 that he is suspended for 2 days. Mourn the future of our nation.
  27. Apply eye makeup. Look like one of those 50-something women in skin-tight leopard print that you have always thought looked insecure, and are trying too hard to look younger than they are.
  28. Wash it off. Start over again at tinted moisturizer (the Walmart/Target tip should be making sense now). Reapply all makeup. Still a little dark, but it's already gotten pretty late in the day, so you most likely won't make it out of the house anyway.
  29. Straighten hair. Be sure to burn yourself at least twice.
  30. Spend a minimum of 10 minutes plucking grey hairs from your head with tweezers. Think about all the pictures you've seen of "Old Wives", and how they always had grey hair in them. Spend 5 more minutes plucking (maybe you're just a late-blooming blond?).
  31. Go make dinner for minions. You forgot to defrost anything, so make macaroni and grits again. Drink a Redbull, and have a couple bites of cold leftover macaroni straight from the fridge.
  32. Check Facebook while the minions eat. Remember than you once again forget to call Good Friend back. Tend your farm/island/bingo/poker.
  33. Browse Photoshop brushes, knitting patterns, Sims 3 downloads, and check the Blue Book value of the Korean p.o.s. you drive (it's worth almost as much as I owe on it).
  34. Spend about an hour looking at ticket prices to the Caribbean, Spain, Australia, etc. Spend another 30-60 minutes Windows shopping for the perfect bikini. Remember arm-jiggle.
  35. Go do Pilates.
  36. Get bored after 5 minutes. Go play Dance Central on Xbox for 2 hours, instead.
  37. Rush the minions to their rooms. It's way past their bedtime. Don't forget to apologize for freaking out and acting like it was their fault (they're not stupid, and you don't want them to think you are crazy).
  38. Open a delicious ice-cold imported beer. Facebook-message Good Friend that you are totally swamped, and will call her back tomorrow.
  39. Actually intend to call her back tomorrow (Awesomeness is caring).
  40. Take 4-legged tail-wagging minions for a walk at Almost-the-Middle-of-the-Night:thirty. It's dark, and every functional human is in bed, but you did your hair and makeup, so leave the house.
  41. Open another expensive imported beer when you get home. Find first beer almost completely full, warm, and flat 10 minutes later.
  42. Go to bed. Attempt to wake up at an Acceptable Time tomorrow.
  43. Watch Law & Order.
  44. Remember that you forgot to bleach your teeth. Go do that now.
  45. Stomp around the house like a monster for the 5-15minutes the exceptionally foamy dental bleach is working it's magic. Thoroughly terrify the 4-legged purring minions (you'll be sleeping alone tonight).
  46. Rinse bleach from mouth. Finish expensive imported beer on principle. It tastes like yak urine now.
  47. Go back to bed.
  48. Watch Law & Order.
  49. Get up because you feel really bad about not calling Good Friend back, and can't stop thinking about all the other Good Friends you have not called in a while. Check Facebook for a reply to the message you sent earlier. Tend farm/island/bingo/poker. Rearrange desktop icons (I swear they move on their own just to piss me off).
  50. Turn off alarm clock. It's time to get the kids up for school.
  51. Have a champion breakfast of Redbull, a slice of lunchmeat, and half a dozen cigarettes.
  52. Go to Minion #1's school to convince authorities there that you are a perfectly capable and functional parent. They are being overly dramatic about The Pencil Poking Incident. This should be easy, since your hair and makeup are already done.
  53. Go home. Pass out on sofa while watching Law & Order. <3 Netflix.
  • *It is now 2:17am, and I have just remembered that I have a leftover Burrito Supreme in the fridge. YAYSQUEAL!*
  • In case my mom and/or husband are reading this, it was DARK coloured wet tank top =P

No comments: